adioses

"When someone leaves your life, those exits are not made equal. Some are beautiful and poetic and satisfying. Others are abrupt and unfair. But most are just unremarkable, unintentional, clumsy."

Griffin McElroy, The Adventure Zone

...

“What a born melancholic I am! I feel that I’m sinking down, down. And as usual I feel that if I sink further I shall reach the truth. That is the only mitigation; a kind of nobility. Solemnity.”

- Virginia Woolf, from a diary entry c. June 1929 

influences

.whenever I touch an object so I too am touched by it, flesh is the experience of the world in me, a doubled sensation imperfectly represented by dualist language.

(de una señora que habla suavecito y se llama Linda Martín Alcoff)

fuego

Acabo de descubrir el fuego.

Ahora sé que para alcanzar la paz es necesario hacer un pequeño incendio todos los días, es igual de necesario que un baño.

Calor. quemar. humo.

La locura y todos esos humores que sueltan los cuerpos en tensión se sosiegan con un poco de lumbre. Ahora entiendo porqué en mis peores días buscaba la cocina. No me interesaba la comida, sino la estufa, la flama me tranquilizaba.

El día de hoy tengo algo especial para usted, un consejo: prenda una velita, una varita de incienso, un cigarro. haga su fogata con lo que le alcance, verá cómo es cierto.

apapachos felinos

 

white page

“My past is my past. A book on the bed stand. At any point, I can pick it up and revisit the joy or the pain, but its contents will not rule me anymore. The life still ahead of me is a clean white page. There is work to be done. A world to be explored. Stories inside me still aching to be told.”

- Beau Taplin • C l e a n W h i t e P a g e 

I saw my earlier selves

“I saw my earlier selves as different people, acquaintances I had outgrown. I wondered how I could ever have been some of them.”

- Roger Zelazny, The Courts of Chaos (via sheholdsyoucaptivated)

this week finding

“Poetry can break open locked chambers of possibility, restore numbed zones to feeling, recharge desire,” Adrienne Rich wrote in contemplating the cultural power of poetry. But what is a poem, really, and what exactly is its use?

Every once in a while, you stumble upon something so lovely, so unpretentiously beautiful and quietly profound, that you feel like the lungs of your soul have been pumped with a mighty gasp of Alpine air. This Is a Poem That Heals Fish(public library) is one such vitalizing gasp of loveliness — a lyrical picture-book that offers a playful and penetrating answer to the question of what a poem is and what it does. And as it does that, it shines a sidewise gleam on the larger question of what we most hunger for in life and how we give shape to those deepest longings.

Written by the French poet, novelist, and dramatist Jean-Pierre Simeón, translated into English by Enchanted Lion Books founder Claudia Zoe Bedrick (the feat of translation which the Nobel-winning Polish poet Wisława Szymborskahad in mind when she spoke of “that rare miracle when a translation stops being a translation and becomes … a second original”), and illustrated by the inimitable Olivier Tallec, this poetic and philosophical tale follows young Arthur as he tries to salve his beloved red fish Leon’s affliction of boredom.

Beautiful just beautiful poem/story. And I am so glad I have found it.

ah those parties

with veggies and books..    very good moments of those foreign times.

2016. 

   

..

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”

CJ jung

lately

It’s probably because the only people I’ve interacted with the last 2 days (minus all clients and crisis) is Blake yesterday morning and but my heart aches. I feel lonely, again. Like I said yesterday, I just want to 'skip it all.' I don’t think I have the heart to date. even though im free from ghosts. I still try to alter myself to seem better to whomever I’m talking to out of fear that if I show all of my true colors they won’t like me. Or, I do the completely opposite: nothing. I think I really not even  trying to show the best version of myself. The reality is that i have been so out of this game that I don't even know what is dating about, really.

I just want to be myself. 

I just feel like my authentic self, the person I love so dearly, won’t be loved by anyone else. I don’t apologize for who I am and maybe that’s a turn off. 

but I'm not sure if I'm giving people the chance to, know me. I’m proud of myself and my story, but that does not seem to translate well when I'm engaging, connecting with dates. I don't have an answer for this. but it concerns me, a little. not that much. It's too late for me to be concerned about that. I was telling that to Blake, he said: then do it, you have to get in there. 'But I don't think I like dating,' you do, yo being lazy. That was amazing. I actually like to think of me as lazy, than having fears. 

I wonder if these crisis have affected me lately more that I am aware. 

I don’t know what I’m trying to say, my heart just need some extra attention lately and I need to be held.