Jun 17, 2012


 It has been a very difficult day to me. An unexpected anxiety attacked me all day. I almost feel as I was dying slowly at different times of the day. The bad memories came back to me, and this time I could not fight them. I got so mad, thinking and remember that ugly moment of my life. And I feel dirty. I felt heavy. And powerless. I do not wish these feelings to anyone. The only thing that helped me today was my walking. Yes, I was able to repeat to myself: 'things were not in my control, there is nothing I can do to change that-. And I walked. And even though that will not help me to forget, it did help me to survive, today. but my own words have not help me today. is as if all of a sudden, that moment attacked my  memory again.

I think that what triggered today's anxiety is the father's day which i never celebrated. But for some reason, today, the memory of that incident really made me think about my father absence. Something tells me in my body that if i had a father nothing wouldnt happen. But that's just my thinking. I am thinking about him too today and is making me very vulnerable. I can help but thinking about abandonment, about my impossibilty to trust , to really attach as i wish i could, and my rush to always runaway, from what seems real.
I know in my hearth, that this is my time to get help, to really work on this burden that I have been carrying for so long, because this is not fair to me, I resist to it. I am resisting to go back to relationships and people that are hurtful to me, but at this moment i dont seem to know how. I am able to resist. Resist. That is the word that will help me to heal, eventually.

Jun 11, 2012

Yo a mi destino
lo perdono
con vino.

Si yo fuera yo
estaría contigo
aquí mismo
donde estoy.

Tras consultarlo con mi bufete de almohadas
... decidí seguir haciendo nada.

("Anacreóntica", 'Micropoemas' de Ajo)

The lesser blessed

I have to tell you something, I said, I’m not going to lie, I have to tell you I have this god-shaped hole in my  heart, and I think you do ...