Apr 29, 2017

lately



It’s probably because the only people I’ve interacted with the last 2 days (minus all clients and crisis) is Blake yesterday morning and but my heart aches. I feel lonely, again. Like I said yesterday, I just want to 'skip it all.' I don’t think I have the heart to date. even though im free from ghosts. I still try to alter myself to seem better to whomever I’m talking to out of fear that if I show all of my true colors they won’t like me. Or, I do the completely opposite: nothing. I think I really not even  trying to show the best version of myself. The reality is that i have been so out of this game that I don't even know what is dating about, really.

I just want to be myself. 

I just feel like my authentic self, the person I love so dearly, won’t be loved by anyone else. I don’t apologize for who I am and maybe that’s a turn off. 
but I'm not sure if I'm giving people the chance to, know me. I’m proud of myself and my story, but that does not seem to translate well when I'm engaging, connecting with dates. I don't have an answer for this. but it concerns me, a little. not that much. It's too late for me to be concerned about that. I was telling that to Blake, he said: then do it, you have to get in there. 'But I don't think I like dating,' you do, yo being lazy. That was amazing. I actually like to think of me as lazy, than having fears. 

I wonder if these crisis have affected me lately more that I am aware. 

I don’t know what I’m trying to say, my heart just need some extra attention lately and I need to be held.

Apr 24, 2017

what is saving my life..right now

It’s March 24th, almost summer (in my head).,

This isn’t an easy month——for many of us. To beat back the moodiness and how changes affected me, today I'm  sharing the things—big or small—that are saving us right now.

The idea comes from Jan and her memoir. Even though most of us can easily articulate what’s killing us, but few of us pay attention to what’s giving us life.

Once when my dear Jan E, was invited to speak at a gathering, her host told her simply, “Tell us what is saving your life right now.” She says it’s too good a question not to revisit from time to time.

This is an excerpt of my list. It’s a long list (yay!), and I’ve chosen to share the simple—though not always small—things.

Walking my dog. I wish I had 2, to give Carmela company. 

Learning to make tea. 

Learning to bake. Just saying this out loud makes me smile. I have never been good at the kitchen, so I think I'm mostly laughing of myself, but I been loving to Learn and make a mess so far. I don't eat sweet stuff so planning of whinti give this to has been fun.

Sunny days.

Early mornings having time to stare at myself and stretching my arms and legs in the bed, slowly, with no rush.

Visiting cafe Rebecca.

Planning my next hiking adventure.

Meditation.

The little things.

Today, thinking about this post, saves me and keeps me alive. 



colores y flores. 


 


 

 Carmela

 

 
Meditation zen place. ojalá dejara todos los 'chakras' por fin..

  

private practice desk. no view but beautiful sun light.

I desire the things which will destroy me in the end.



“I desire the things which will destroy me in the end.”

así o más claro? lo complicado siempre se me ha dado natural. 

Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals Of  Sylvia P. 

Apr 16, 2017

random thoughts


***  Is good to think about the possibilities of things, of people, or a person and the effects that person has on you. 

I think is good and in some ways is really good. It's actually inspirational. as long as you don't marry with the possibilities.


***  I can't stop thinking about how the water transforms my mood. The water running in between my body and in that rhythm the rhythm running in between my thoughts becomes "simpler" lighter, less threatening. I adapt as always to my circumstances and in this case the water flows organically through the waves of my mood. I work with my mood now as a partner not against it. 

I am not moody today. such a great change. 

***   I've been writing lately about water. and nothing that I read afterwards written makes sense. I just feel the need  to conect to it, again. I guess the water Itself fits the purpose. that's the answer without ends.


***   "I don't date that much or that well." 
the moment I heard myself answering that I realized what I really meant. I want to scared them away.


Apr 15, 2017

tu nombre



Se sabrá de ti porque yo quiero 
hoy escribir, y aquí, tu nombre;
es lo de menos que tú existas.

Rubén Bonifacio Nuño. El albur del amor 

Apr 4, 2017

this poem you can see


Tijuana es como Sevilla en la época de Cervantes, es la Nueva York de los migrantes.

Mario Martín-Flores

Apr 3, 2017

cartas

 
 
-- De que seran hechas las cartas de amor? De pensamientos, de sentimientos, de passion? Recuerdo las cartas que llegue a escribir. ahora las leo y muero de risa al ver l escrito. Creo en el fondo siempre supe que anos mas tarde me reiria de esas cartas, o lloraria. Creo que si de algo estaban llenan esas cartas de la adolesencia, eran de esperanza.
 
---  Ya no tengo la misma illusion y mis ideales por complete han cambiado. la esperanza ironicamente, sigue intacta.
 
----  Me gusta cuando las cosas que importan, no cambian.
 
 
 
 
Mi escritorio actualmente. No se porque sigo guardando esta maquina de escribir. pero me inspira y me recuerda a mi.

The lesser blessed

I have to tell you something, I said, I’m not going to lie, I have to tell you I have this god-shaped hole in my  heart, and I think you do ...