May 28, 2011

top of the mountain



Yesterday, at the top of the mountain in Cowles mtn., I felt lonely. but a different type of loneliness. That loneliness that makes me be with the little things I appreciate of myself and hold on to them. i dont want to change, I dont want to change so much, so much that i wont be able to appreaciate how much I enjoy my loneliness, my  dark moments that makes me be me.

This view, made me  breathe. and I struggle breathing. I want to breathe more and more often, but  I dont want to lose these moments that make me be vulnerable, that makes me be here, at top and so low of a mountain, of myself.

May 23, 2011

a veces, el sentimiento se me vuelve bilingue. no es que yo lo quiera asi, es que el idioma se me traba.

de ingles a lo que yo hablo, hay mas que mil pasos.

hoy limpio y limpio, como si quisiera quitarme una suciedad milenaria. no quiero sentirla. poque sentir eso, es como sentir un arrepentimiento, y eso es a lo que jamas quisiera llegar.

hoy  fue un dia mas, en el que sobrevivi no buscarlo. hoy estoy un dia a la vez, como los adictos, como la ironia sobrevive el ser incomprendida.

May 19, 2011

Domination

I had a conversation last week about how much 'better' people of color, or minorities are fighting against domination. People in this conversation were talking from their priviledge position, as many things and expressed how "good minorities are doing". I was angry. Yes, people are doing many things. But that doesnt mean there are all good benefits.  I, left that day wondered many things, and feeling alone. I have seen realities and experience first hand experiences with racism. And that is itself domination. There are someways to fight it, i agree..but we are not, all the way there. I guess this is my crude and realistic side who is talking. Is because I am still somewhat angry. But I have this space to my anger in words, to let it flow, and process with myself.   This theme provoked many reactions on me. These are some of things i need talk about. and think:

I don’t think we are able to fight domination better than the past. Furthermore, we are not ALL able to. I think that that has to do with a lot of people from the individualistic, and a little more privileged people than other. Reading this chapter and comments, could not help but thinking about other people that are still struggling on daily basis against other types of domination such us the consequences of the beginning dominations of colonization. For many of us, including myself, fighting domination seem better, little by little we have access to services, to help, to realization, to others. For other people, this fighting against domination has just changed its shape.

For some people the context hasn't change either. Is true that the practices have changed. And they are not so visible with some population, not so outright, but they hurt and they stay in for generations, just like the oppression against indigenous people, that in many countries continue being subjugated by the consequences of colonization.  Some people have access to education, services, and water. Other does not.


The people that dominate and oppressed them, does rotate though.
What I do think is helping, is working together through this fight. People that get together in non profits to ”fight” for these people rights, and to fight other people suffering from other oppression, are making the difference, but depends to me on the approach and on the real intentions they have towards helping communities. And most importantly, the people that are experiencing oppression getting together and fight in their own ways. The sense of community, makes me hopeful that we can somehow contribute in this type of “fights” towards differents types of domination.

May 16, 2011

este dia se sintio como uno de esos en los que se antoja ser vulnerable..debil. la lumbre me quemaba las manos por no marcar numeros que por olvidar, resultan mas que conocidos.

hoy me encontre sola y extrandolo.

me rehuso a ser de esas personas que se buscan cosas que hacer por no pensar. o sentir.

mis sentimientos no los quiero adulterados. quiero sufrirlos si eso es lo que se necesita para ser quien quiero ser.

pero solo se lo que no quiero ser.  Ayyyy demonios. esto de escribirlo aqui es lo unico que alivia estas ganas de caer en adicciones conocidas, de buscarlo a el, y perderme otra vez.

May 11, 2011

Curiosity.


Hoy mis supervisores me dieron esta "transicion object" con nuestro final del Practicum1. esta piedra dice Curiosidad, y representa un mundo de cuestionamientos internos y externos a los que hoy me enfrento. Gracias Blanca y Phoungh, por no solo aceptarme, por retarme. Hoy estoy feliz porque quiero continuar con esta curiosidad, esta que no me hace juzgarme a mi mima, esta que me hace tener un poco de compasion por la fui y valor, por la que quiero ser. Creo en mi no solo como terapeuta, estoy creyendo en una forma diferente de creer. y estoy contenta de no saber cual es.


May 8, 2011

de Despedidas es este mes..

Estoy tan cerca.. hoy estuve un poco melancolica. No es raro en mi. pero hace tiempo no me daba el tiempo de sentirme sola. Empeze la escuela nuevamente hace un  ano y antes de eso, ocupada con que me aceptaran. Entre ano y ano, no me quedaba un momento sola. Irran siempre habia estado aqui, en algun lugar, de alguna forma. Hoy lo borre. cambie de numero y cambie mi rutina. todo a pasado tan rapido que no me habia dado cuenta lo triste que estoy. Y molesta. Y sola.

Me estoy dando cuenta que quisera una real despedida, una despedida de adultos en donde cada uno se diga buena suerte, te quiero, y lamento todo lo que nos ha separado tanto tiempo. Quiero algo de novela. de las novelas 'sentimentales' que leia en la casa de mi abuela. Pido mucho. No puedo tener lo que nunca ha sido. Pero aun asi, me siento triste.

Hoy, que estoy a una semana de tener un pequeno descanso, me miro al espejo y me doy miedo. temo que la soledad de un momento me haga caer al abismo, al circulo del que los dos fuimos presos. me da un miedo terrible estar sola y cerca del telefono. me da un miedo terrible el realmente extranar algo en el, algo mas que su cuerpo.

Hoy en el que el arrepentimiento quiso asomarse a mi dia me pregunto, -cual es la forma mas saludable de decir adios? hay alguna?

Este mes, este verano, pienso mucho en lo que son para mi las despedidas.

The lesser blessed

I have to tell you something, I said, I’m not going to lie, I have to tell you I have this god-shaped hole in my  heart, and I think you do ...