Jul 12, 2011

Porque todos los No que le digo, parecen un gran Si?

es que se me nota hasta entre las letras las ganas de verlo?

Te extrano. te extrano, aunque te diga mil veces que ya no vuelvas. te extrano mil veces, pero por favor ya no vuelvas.

Jul 6, 2011

When we were friends he kept asking: -"What do you want on a man"?
I always told him I didnt thought about that often. I also told him that I wanted to be the only one.

The first time we were together, he asked: "What do you want Gema, affection"? I said -"Yes. But that is not all I want."

Every time we were apart, he asked "What do you want?" and I could never answer.

I wanted him to read my silences. the spaces in between that I left blank on purpose. I thought he would be able to understand what "is not ALL i want" meant. what the 'all' means.

I dont know what my ALL's mean.

I wanted him to translate for me. to deconstruct like an arqueologist, the pieces of my wording. of the broken language that is between me and wishes.

Few months ago, I was the one who made the questions. I asked him, "what do you want"? "Can you be only with me"?   "You can't uh?"   "What does your silence mean"?

I guess I should've ask this questions long ago. I can not be that translator of his silences. His silences, and vagues answers were so painful for me to put together. They still are.

Now he says, "I miss you so much."   And now is my turn to ask myself questions, to start understanding the absurd dependence and not being able to say No to him. I have no idea what does questions can bring, but Im suspecting that my answers can bring lights to me. Reconciliation with my calmness.

As of now, I am working on some of these questions.
-Do I miss him?  -If so, what do I miss about him? -How does his controling attitudes affected me? -How many times I said yes, when i was thinking on a 'no'?   -What people around me are appreciating me now? -How? -How much his lies and affected me?  -Why I felt ''used' with him?  -Why am i hesitating to go back?  -How would saying yes now, would make me feel?

-Do I need to 'accept' the idea that being with him became a controling relationship "? Do I really have to if I want to move on?  What would happen if i dont? What if other dinamics went around that? I dont know.
I have some answers in mind. but this time I need to process what those answers mean to me.

This time is good for me. I am good taking time this time. I enjoy that he his making this contact, because he's obligating me to deal with this. even now, that I don't want to. When I just want to deal with me. But this is part of me. dealing with whatever this is.

I miss saying yes.  I just need to create other contexts where to say yes.

What do I want? I have some knowledge now.

Jul 4, 2011

On East county

On East County.

I said that I wouldnt write about this, at least not until I fully processed it. But I couldnt help it. This is one of my main therapies.

There was the u.s. official asking me: "is East county to hot for you?" with a playful look. I responded with my serious affect: "No". That was what took for him to send me to a secondary revision. Once in there, the only think the guy asked us was: "What is your nationality"?...

They had a plaque on the side that said: "we have captn ured the most illegals that other counties". I guess they were hoping I would be the next one.

I am so mad. I was pulled on a side only based on my color, only because I look like I do. That is not questionable. After monday, I kept thinking on how many similar episodes I had had since I came here. And I became even more mad because I allow that to happen without really speaking up. But there is nothing much I can do. I am very pesimist today.

I tried to calmed me and my sister down by telling her that this could be worst..while she was futious saying that 'those racist officials stoped us for being brown''. I needed to not appear furious, because If i showed how I really felt, i could probably felt even worst.

I kept telling myself 'this is on East County, only. this is where I had my first experience in Lakeside'. But is not. Racist ideas, thoughts are all over. And I need to make my mind. Think on how to be with others, how to put my defenses down. how to not taking it personal with other white people. How to not personalize this to a degree that refrain me from being with others.

I also keep thinking on better ways to think these experiences. I was mad half monday.. and then I became productive. I am proud of my color. has it is history. has its pain. and I rather to be mad, than being victim, or embarrased. I would liked to continue being mad, for now.

The lesser blessed

I have to tell you something, I said, I’m not going to lie, I have to tell you I have this god-shaped hole in my  heart, and I think you do ...