When we were friends he kept asking: -"What do you want on a man"?
I always told him I didnt thought about that often. I also told him that I wanted to be the only one.

The first time we were together, he asked: "What do you want Gema, affection"? I said -"Yes. But that is not all I want."

Every time we were apart, he asked "What do you want?" and I could never answer.

I wanted him to read my silences. the spaces in between that I left blank on purpose. I thought he would be able to understand what "is not ALL i want" meant. what the 'all' means.

I dont know what my ALL's mean.

I wanted him to translate for me. to deconstruct like an arqueologist, the pieces of my wording. of the broken language that is between me and wishes.

Few months ago, I was the one who made the questions. I asked him, "what do you want"? "Can you be only with me"?   "You can't uh?"   "What does your silence mean"?

I guess I should've ask this questions long ago. I can not be that translator of his silences. His silences, and vagues answers were so painful for me to put together. They still are.

Now he says, "I miss you so much."   And now is my turn to ask myself questions, to start understanding the absurd dependence and not being able to say No to him. I have no idea what does questions can bring, but Im suspecting that my answers can bring lights to me. Reconciliation with my calmness.

As of now, I am working on some of these questions.
-Do I miss him?  -If so, what do I miss about him? -How does his controling attitudes affected me? -How many times I said yes, when i was thinking on a 'no'?   -What people around me are appreciating me now? -How? -How much his lies and affected me?  -Why I felt ''used' with him?  -Why am i hesitating to go back?  -How would saying yes now, would make me feel?

-Do I need to 'accept' the idea that being with him became a controling relationship "? Do I really have to if I want to move on?  What would happen if i dont? What if other dinamics went around that? I dont know.
I have some answers in mind. but this time I need to process what those answers mean to me.

This time is good for me. I am good taking time this time. I enjoy that he his making this contact, because he's obligating me to deal with this. even now, that I don't want to. When I just want to deal with me. But this is part of me. dealing with whatever this is.

I miss saying yes.  I just need to create other contexts where to say yes.

What do I want? I have some knowledge now.