Esta semana me ha dado por pensar en la identidad. en la mia. Me gusta mucho la idea de que estoy en continuo proceso de construccion, de aceptacion. Y  me siento en pleno momento de empezar hoy a entender las partes de mi que ya no quiero ser. No quiero, de aqui a veinte anos empezar a preguntarme quien soy? Quiero empezar hoy.

Soy, sola.

Me esta dando trabajo aceptar esto en voz alta pero, no quiero intimidad sin carino. Me sabe mal. Me da miedo y gusto, el tener tantos y tan diversos sentimientos. Pero ya no los quiero regalar.

Me cuesta mucho escribir su nombre. pues siento mas la ausencia.

Solo por hoy, no lo hare.

La negacion tambien me ayuda a sobrevivir. por hoy.

sigo pensando como empezar acabando. como ponerle peros a los recuerdos. pense en calamaro y en sus crimenes perfectos. me imagine tener uno. aunque sea esta noche. un crimen en mi cama, en mis suenos.

estos dias huelen mas  a despedidas, la inevitables esta vez.

hay escalofrios aqui. en mi cuerpo, al oir la palabra 'adios'.

todo lo que termina, termina mal..poco a poco.

To you,

If I could only tell you. I will tell you how mad I am that I can not be mad. I hope I can be like those women, like some friends I have that can just move on with their lives. or just be a natural feminist. or just be strong. but I can't.

I am mad that all the obvious becomes complicated. That knowing you are around, looking, means completely the opposite of what you think it means. I am mad that you know how this anxiety kills me, this that you are causing. And you still do it.

If I can only tell you, I will tell you many lies, or one.

I would tell you sorry, for not being a regular open minded woman. and just a simple me.

I would try to be with you imagining that trust exist.

I would pretend that 'i love you' and 'having love for me' are the same thing.

But I can't do any of those things. not anymore. And I know you'll never listen even if I say this to you.

The cycle of control has to end somehow. I hope I can find my way out.

Pequeno instructivo para despedirse con estilo

Jan asked me the other day -"what is a proper good bye to you Gema?".. I was thinking about my clients and how we are affected by them, by good byes. But when she asked me this question, i went back to my personal experience with endings, with unsaid things, with not having clousure. I wrote Pequeno instrcutivo para despedirse con estilo, 6 years ago thinking about my father. And today, I found it and I thought about my father again. And i thought about obsession. And about idealizing somebody. And I thought about the reasons why I always run away from people, from men, from reelationships. I thought how abandonement refrained me for a long time my willingness to say good bye properly. And I thought about the quiet little girl I was, And I thought, And I thought. And then I cried. For some reason I do really love this short essay. It was important to my self growth back then, and it is important now.

Today, I am reposting this writing because i am re-reading it with different eyes, a different life. And I also thought about him. Today, I am stuck in not being able to say goodbye to him . But how to say goodbye to 5 years. He said: "its 5 years Gema, you cant throw 5 years to the trash" And i only think that I was extremelly alone those years. I was alone, but never alone. never free by my own conviction. by the conviction of the control that he created in whatever this was.     I am not worry about the time. I am worry about the effects of that time. Maybe i need to make peaces with my own feelings, if i had any. This vicious cycle of control has to do with my own issue to not knowing how to say no. of being so afraid to regret of lossing him, of lossing somebody again. The passion has not ended. But I have a feeling that I alraedy have enough pain to be strong, and survive, maybe. Today, i am discovering for the first time what a proper goodbye is. Thank you Jan, for asking me that question. because i really need a healthy one.

I wonder if feeling hurt helps the process. The fact that he is around proves me he never cared about me. Prove me what I already suppose to know. But I dont. And kills me to realized that i am weak. I dont want to be a killer of feelings. But I want some feelings to die, i want the concepts of 'control', to leave me. to leave my body. my mind. and my past.



Lo peor del amor cuando termina,

son las habitaciones ventiladas,
el puré de reproches con sardinas,
las golondrinas en la almohada.
Lo atroz de la pasión es cuando pasa,
cuando al punto final de los finales,
no le siguen dos puntos suspensivos.
    - Joaquín Sabina.

Pequeno instructivo para despedirse con estilo.

Las despedidas duelen cuando no se justifican. El ciclo vital de un ensayo corto se aprecia si es preciso y sintetizado. Es como escuchar mil explicaciones de tu partida, me obliga a flotar en el porqué inexplicable. El escudriñar en las razones por las que algo termina no me conduce a la verdad, sino a encontrar distintas versiones: seguir flotando.

¿ Para que agotar explicaciones? me pregunto, cuando es tan fácil decirme algo inesperado que me dejará tranquila sin deseos de escuchar más. Torri me dio la pauta a través de Circe. Entendí que mientras más intentabas alejarme, se producía el efecto contrario, y viceversa.
Ahora lo entiendo todo: Tu estilo sobre mí consistía en dominar la forma. El arte de la conversación. El mantenerme flotando en la vaguedad de tus ideas. Insertando una razón, una clara intención, me tenías absorta. Y, al igual que Ibarguengoitia: “nunca había pensado en la chute”, al menos no en la tuya. Recordando a Torri lo reafirmo: “ahuyentaste de mi la tentación de agotarte”.

Tu chute ha sido clara, precisa, pero sobre todo: inesperada. Lo hace más intenso: El no tener nada que recriminar pero sí que debatir. Mis despedidas serán así desde este momento.
Plagiaré tu estilo para lograr una impresión asombrosa y debatible que obligue a los espectadores de mi vida a admirarme como yo te admiro. Por el simple hecho de haber tenido un propósito inicial que nos obligó a terminar inesperadamente el ensayo de nosotros mismos. A tomar con mesura el inevitable adiós.

Como Torri, no pretendo llegar a las multitudes. Busco llegar a mí misma a través de los malabares de la vida. Aterrizar, flotando en el circo de Circe de la muerte.

Mas que otros dias, ultimamente he sentido la necesidad de renegar. de renegar no entendiendo o haciendome la que no entiendo, de mi posicion como mujer y las diferencias que antes yo misma requeria de mi misma. Creo que este reniego, se debe a que yo me creia feminista; y ahora, no quiero serlo, no puedo. Hoy que finalmente me estoy conociendo, y entendiendo lo que quiero y lo que no quiero, me doy cuenta que no se trata de feminismo en mi, se trata de cercania mia. de amor. de aceptacion. Cualidades que mas deseo, y que al decirlas y escribirlas todavia no las poseo. Se, sin embargo, que no estoy muy lejos de ellas.

tengo mucho trabajo por hacer. y quiero.

Valoro, aun, esfuerzos aldedor del mundo por mujeres unidas. en busca de algo. en busca de todo. No puedo ser totalitaria, porque contradiria mis ideas de amor colectivo, de mi cultura, de mi pasado. Pero admiro y veo con otros ojos la experiencia femenina a la que siempre estare expuesta. A la que no me quiero despegar.

Soy parte de un movimiento que es solo mio.

Hoy busco por razones, por las que quiero seguir quejandome ampliamente. Con interrupciones.

notes about the Caged Virgin.

I read a book for school two months ago. I really value that experience of reading this book, because it awaked many reactions, memories and opinions in me.. and still does. These are some of them.

I have not integrated to the western perspective. I do not believe that Integration has to be our major goal as immigrants. For many immigrants the mail goal is to survive. Integration will occur only if this process is reversed. Integration will occur if the host country is able to adapt to new immigrants way of life through tolerance.

Are immigrants so uncivilized that they need to be conquered and imprisoned by the host country ideas and lifestyle? My inquiry stems from a hope for change, for a collaborative effort of immigrant integration without segregation. An integration of diverse needs, and voices, and ways of doing and being would greatly benefit new immigrants as well as members of the local host community. If the host country looks to integrate, it must dismiss some of its own values and customs. It must be a shared effort. I want to believe that this is the future of integration.


Hirsi Ali criticizes the victimization discourses that have surrounded her own vision of the world. She perceives that the liberal western people are advocating for human rights but are fearful to damage their experiences. The idea that not being critical implies having ‘pity’ for somebody is what she refutes. I disagree with this. I can see how liberals and well intentioned people may not do much by not criticizing others; however, they are already doing something, they are being vulnerable, they are practicing tolerance, and they are not being extreme critical people, as the author is implying as her optimum desire. She is looking for the westerners to not only be critical towards the Islamic minorities, but also to impose one and only Truth.

When Ali expressed, “Withholding criticism and ignoring differences are racism in its purest form”, I immediately opposed this statement. Ali’s tone is condescending and judgmental toward liberals. I do not see the purest form of racism as not saying what one’s thinking or choosing to avoid confrontations with others. I have experienced racism in different ways; therefore, I do not believe in one pure form. My first experience with racism in United States consisted of people violently throwing a can of soda at me while I was in a very white neighborhood in Lakeside. I thought that day, “So this is the racism that people talked about”. That day changed my life. It opened my own memories of discrimination in my own country; it opened my perspective of others; and, it helped me to understand that people that have not experienced racism of any kind are not likely to recognize acts of racism to others.

I strongly disagree with Ali’s idea of having one truth. She views the secular liberals as victims of guilt feelings and ignorance towards minorities. Her perception calls for everybody to stand up for one truth. I think that advocating only one truth is a form of racism. If we do this, we are ignoring people that are surviving and advocating for themselves in their own ways already.

I, for some reason, have the need, still, to apologize of my words sometimes. That is itself a barrier that Im fighting against, myself. I want to critizes myself, to  love me.
 
I hate the tittle 'the Caged virgin'. Its sexist. commercial. unfair. its creative too. and makes me mad having so many reactions due to one book. but that same thing makes me grateful.
 
I am glad that I can disagree.