lately

It’s probably because the only people I’ve interacted with the last 2 days (minus all clients and crisis) is Blake yesterday morning and but my heart aches. I feel lonely, again. Like I said yesterday, I just want to 'skip it all.' I don’t think I have the heart to date. even though im free from ghosts. I still try to alter myself to seem better to whomever I’m talking to out of fear that if I show all of my true colors they won’t like me. Or, I do the completely opposite: nothing. I think I really not even  trying to show the best version of myself. The reality is that i have been so out of this game that I don't even know what is dating about, really.

I just want to be myself. 

I just feel like my authentic self, the person I love so dearly, won’t be loved by anyone else. I don’t apologize for who I am and maybe that’s a turn off. 

but I'm not sure if I'm giving people the chance to, know me. I’m proud of myself and my story, but that does not seem to translate well when I'm engaging, connecting with dates. I don't have an answer for this. but it concerns me, a little. not that much. It's too late for me to be concerned about that. I was telling that to Blake, he said: then do it, you have to get in there. 'But I don't think I like dating,' you do, yo being lazy. That was amazing. I actually like to think of me as lazy, than having fears. 

I wonder if these crisis have affected me lately more that I am aware. 

I don’t know what I’m trying to say, my heart just need some extra attention lately and I need to be held.