I am feeling good now. Being in front of this blank page, is another way to be back at what I would call 'my safety zone.' I like being here. I life feeling the urge of wanting to say something and not having somebody to say those things to. I like having a blank page as my option. Many things tonight. But less is better. Im tired.

But the idea of couples, is just in my mind.

I am now working with more couples in therapy than I thought I would be. But the most amazing thing that had happended is how I am finding myself rethinking my relationships. Tonight, I thought of hope. I remembered the crazy mountain ride that was my last relationship, and keep thinking what would be different if me and him just talked more? I am wondering of him. But I am thinking of him very different this time. I know now that he never loved me. And I am realizing that is ok. I am realizing that I never gave anytime to myself to just process that, how hurted that I was. He woudnt never try any different, because there was no love. Him being dettached was not my fault either.

Are the experiences responsibles? Ok, i need to explain this here in order to understand myself. Something about the word 'Love' doesn't fit good for me. But I do have my reasons why. One of them is the fact that I can not say the word 'love' without getting emotional. Just a paragraph above, when I wrote that he never loved me, felt really hard for me to write. It was almost like saying that father never loved me. Even though i know there some thruth about those words, they do hurt so much. It is because it does hurt, that i am not being capable of using them myself. Does that makes sense Gema?? I am responding to myself that, I am not sure if it makes sense. It does makes sense to me. But I dont think it makes sense for the rest of people out there.

When he used to ask: 'do you love me'? I could never answer. And now, thinking, not only back but thinking forward, I wonder, am i going to ever be able? and, Do I even want to say it??  I do wonder, If am blocking myself from getting close to people when I feel they are being honest or they care? Do I fear to the 'real' feelings? No!! I dont think so. Im confuse.

Love is such a given for granted word.

Is either that, or just the fact that i might be uncapable of  having a real trust in a man. or, that there other types of love. I don't know. The only thing I know for sure is that I never believed he loved me. And I dont think I ever believed a man loved me. ughhhh, this is so hard. I feel the weight on my back when I write that. I guess i do care about love somehow.

Even though I would never understand why he choosed to just hurt me, I do understand, that he had no option. That's the only thing he knew. I just noticed that I can't even say his name anymore. is just a name i guess.

I can not say that I am free from that relationship. Relationships always hunt us. like ghost. But I do believe that i am liking this idea of 'recreating' aspects of that part of my life, to understand, to forgive, and to reconciliate with my own identity and choices.

But I am sad at times. I can't lie. I am sad about the 'idea' but not about him anymore. the idea that I did wanted him to stay, to try a little more. But I am understanding now, that maybe he did care about me. I asked him for few years, to just leave me if he cared fore me. and this time he did.

I guess i need to thank him. for once he listened. oh this is making me laugh now. But is also helping me. I do not think about him often or with anxiety anymore, so that means im good. that again, I am feeling good now.