my feminist Identity

Today I have been thinking a lot about feminism and its influences on me. And I think that is very good for me. My history with my encounter with feminism is one of passion with literature and how I am becoming to interconnect the things I love, the things I believe in and the ones I hate seeing, such as injustices. 

Few years ago I would never consider myself a feminist. I was constantly fighting to take off that label from me. But this “fight” was due to knowing inside of me that I loved many of the ideas and values that the feminist movement promote and believe in.

Growing up in a culture where feminism it’s the enemy for women, I used to put those ideas that I had in a box with a big lock, in my diary.

I used to hear this very often: “women over 30 that wants to study are old single ladies forever, they will die dry” most of this comments were made by men and women as well. However, the ideas behind these statements were socially constructed on a patriarchal society where there was not space for a third option for women, it was only either married or not. Single or not. I knew right back then, that something was not completely right about those ideas. I always look up at my mom as my example, and know I understand that even if she doesn’t name it like that, for me, she was my big first example and firsthand experience with feminism.

She broke many rules of her time. She chose to be with a married man, and even though she continually listened to many voices telling her what was wrong of what she was doing, she stay close with her ideas and values as an independent woman. I don’t think she realizes the importance that the way she lived her life means to me.

Later in life I found myself realizing that something was not right in the way I was feeling about myself looking at my friends getting married, and achieving “normal” things for their age. I felt constraint for a long time with the weight of those ideas of the things that I “suppose to achieve” by then. But I was afraid to speak up.

It was not until I found myself in my studies of literature that I found a place where I could fit. And I fit right.

As I start learning about the construction of realities through literature, through texts and book, I became fascinated with the idea of paying attention, finally, to those ideas of being a woman in this world, in a text, in a way somebody speak about life through books.

I met with Derrida, Bakthin, Foucault, Rosario Castellanos, Elena Garro, among others that made me feel welcome in this world that was new to me: the world of the other.

It was mainly, Derrida and Foucault that made my skin excited with each reading.

On my introduction to Derrida, I remember a professor telling me about an image and the drawing it for me. The image was a hand writing something. And then, another hand writing something looking at the other hand writing something. That was a magical moment to me. This was almost 11 years ago and I still remember the importance of that moment in my life. That moment has become a pivotal moment in my development as a student, professional, writer, and last but not least, as a woman.

That image has so many meanings. But the idea that writing is something independent from meaning is amazingly fascinating to me. Derrida promotes that. Derrida is one of the most complex writers I have ever read, but its complexity has a meaning, many meanings. At that time, everything became clear to me. I remember thinking, so, after I write something I am not the author anymore! So, what’s the point!! I was perplexed. But then I start fascinating readings about women I love. I met Rosario Castellanos and her early feminist ideas in a traditional Mexico. I felt much identified. Then, I remember thinking, “now I know, her words are not only hers. They are mine too.”

Derrida talks, among many other things about the death of the author. The meaning of a story or a line that you read has not only one meaning. It has many. And it has as many meanings as many readers read that same line. Because the experience that a person brings into a reading is not the same experience ever. It will always change. I get so excited just by saying this. So excited that I almost forget that im talking about me and my journey through feminism.

This is a long journey. And im not able to summarize my journey tonight. But I can start by saying that this idea that concepts doesn’t have only one meaning is what makes me identify completely as a feminist. Because I am a mix of the feminist ideas that better fit to me. Because I believe that the legacy to fight against injustices is one of the best legacies I ever learn from somebody. From my grandfather, from my mother, and from some books and words that are opening my eyes my fantasies and dreams into a more complex experience than just that.

I believe that feminism is a way of being human. But it’s not the only way. Therefore, that its not the only thing I am. I am many. But feminism is close to my hearth as a human being and as a child that witnessed injustices. I really like, the idea of picking and choosing pieces of what I love of the feminism and other theories that I am fascinated by. And like I said, it doesn’t have to be one way. There is no need, when I can be many.

This is not my only journey. But my encounter with this writers are one way i have come closer to ideas im developing over the years, it was my second encounter. Seeing my mother being so strong was the first one. And the third one, that one can be for another night.